When my boyfriend and I broke up February of last year, I never wrote a thing about it. I didn't see the need. All I felt that time was anger. I was angry at him.. at the world.. at life. It was unfair. But I kept it all inside. For about a month, I continued living with a mask on my face, telling myself that I'm okay, convincing the people around me that I'm feeling great. Which was a total lie.
Being betrayed is very painful. It is one of the worst feeling there is.. Like a thousand knives, stabbing you at the back. To have your trust, broken by the very person you love.. it is something that can never be forgotten. But when I accepted the help of some good friends, I had finally closed the door. It was swift. It was easy. After accepting the fact that it really was over, I finally let go and moved on.
A good friend of mine wrote this 3 years ago. His story may be different from mine, but some of his words are the words I would have uttered as my heart bled that day.. 12 months ago.
by Joseph Maynard Acallar
What I knew all along has to be shoved in my guts so that I can accept them and when something is shoved inside your guts, it’s damn painful. But for the better, I guess.
I knew all along that what has been is just that, a thing of the past. And futility has always been with me in my efforts to bring it back. I have always been able to come out of anything with anger. I get angry, I stay away. But with you, I can never get angry – at least, angry to the point of throwing all those that we’ve had. You said that you’ll try to conquer the distance, and because I’m gullible when I’m dealing with you, I believed it. All I wanted was to feel that you’re giving your efforts as well. But I can’t. Like you care anyway. I sometimes believe that it was all orchestrated, and sooner or later, you will have to claim your academy awards trophy. But most of the time, I believe that everything was real, but real only for that short span of time.
We’ve talked about it. And you know me, and I believe that I understood you too. They think that everything they see is like the other things that they see. And we heard rumors. And we laughed about those because we knew what we had. .
‘What we had’.
Until now, I will never deny that those few months has etched its mark in my brain. Either I buy a new brain or kill myself, there and then will that mark be removed. When I’m happy, I remember those and I smile. When I’m sad and lonely, like what I’m currently feeling because of the residue from what we had that accumulated and clogged my judgment when it comes to other persons, I remember those things and I have to try and hold back the salty liquid.
I had fun. I thank you for that. What’s left are memories - which I have no use for anymore - and the strongest lessons that you’ve given me through our friendship. Lessons that made me realize what I’m actually capable of, and what my greatest weaknesses are. But the worst thing that this has left me is a great vulnerabilty. I find it hard to trust anymore. And I’m just about to ruin a great friendship because of this. Or I’m ruining it already. Because I’m afraid that this person will be like you too, sooner or later, well in fact, I know that, I’m sorry to say this, the person is a whole lot better than you. The person is different. And that is what I have been telling myself amidst the strong paranoia that I have been feeling lately.
My friend. I will have to close the door. It’s hard and once in a while, I will feel the urge to peek. But believe me, I will close it. I won’t let the storm come inside my dwelling again. This closing will mean nothing to you now, I know. But at least, it matters to me.
You said that it will be ‘until the bitter end’. This must be it. The bitter end that you’ve foreseen. I hate doing this, but I’m glad that once and for all, its over.
It’s easter sunday, and a new life awaits.
Take good care.
April 11, 2009"
I did have trouble trusting someone after what happened. I've developed this awful paranoia that all men are alike. But a few good men proved me wrong. To Ralph and Dylan... Thanks. ♥ Everyone is different, and I learned that I shouldn't judge all men, just because one hurt me.
To Robinson, I have closed the door but yes, I will always have its key. I may sneak a peek, sometimes. I may look back, once in a while. Never will I forget about you. You are part of my past, after all. But as it is over, that is where you will stay forever. Live a good life. - Leah