The Anonymous

*Two messages in one blog post. Divided. The first one's for my hater/stalker. And the second one's for the "concerned" person who left me a message in Formspring. I'm not sure if they're the same person. Or maybe the first one is a boy and the second one is a girl. Both are anonymous. Never left tracks. Please excuse me for the use of some nasty words. I'm sorry but I don't want to edit them anymore.

[Start Rant]

I've never thought that a single question on Formspring will get me fired up to make a blog post.

Napakaingay mo at immature! Bakit di ka pa mamatay?
Translation: You're so loud and immature. Why aren't you dead yet?



I got the same message last month. This person left a comment in my blog post and said the same thing. I don't know this person. He's so freakin' brave to not leave his name. Yeah. He left an anonymous comment wishing me dead.

I think it's safe to assume that this person is talking about me, being very loud on Twitter. And it's also correct to assume that this person is following me on Twitter. He or she does have a point. I talk/tweet too much. I know that. I am not denying that. And maybe he or she is not having any fun at all at reading my tweets.

Sure, Twitter is a true test of self-control. But it is also one of the best medium for self-expression. Twitter is a mini-blog. There, I am able to say what's on my mind in brief summaries. There, I'm able to communicate and have conversations with people from across the globe. There, I'm having fun.

Now tell me this. Why is it MY fault if you're not?

You.

I don't get why you really wish me dead. Did I do something to you? Did we even meet? Did we talk on Facebook or have conversations on Twitter? Have I pushed the wrong buttons, triggering such hostile emotions? What did I do? Did I steal your lunchbox or something? Did I eat your cookie?

Why do you hate me so much and wish that I'm dead? Why do you f+ckin attack me, bitch?

What I don't understand is.. if I am tweeting too much and I'm getting too "loud" for your taste, why do you have to go through the torture of reading my f+cking tweets?? Have you heard of the Twitter word UNFOLLOW?

I love Twitter. And I am not giving that up because of your insecurities, whoever the hell you are. Go get a life and don't bother me.

Stop killing yourself by reading my tweets because it's not my fault. You have the right to unfollow me. If you can't stand to see my face on your Twitter timeline, then GET OFF MY F+CKIN' PAGE!!

[End Rant]

.........................................................

Hello leah, you used to be cool, but now you're not. Your inner beauty made your physical beauty shine even more... but that was THEN. Now, you're just another blogger who can use words but your words are empty. I miss the old you.

With who you are right now, I have seen imperfections that I never knew existed with your old self. You clamor for attention, but you want so much of it that you're pushing people away.

But that is who you are, or perhaps who you want to become. I just wish you happiness. If what you're trying to achieve now makes you happy, then by all means. keep doing what you're doing.

I do get annoyed sometimes that you try to act like someone you're not. I miss the simplicity that you once had, it was parallel to how you look and who you are. Take care!




Thank you. I never really thought that I am cool. I thought of myself as weird. Good weird. I have imperfections. I have flaws. And that just makes me human. It's nice to know that you did find me cool at that time. And I'm so sorry if you now find my words empty. That was the saddest thing for me. Empty words.

Have I changed? Yes. But for the better or for the worse? Judging from the tone in your message, I'd say for the worse. That is your observation and I respect that. But it would have been nice to have you respect me, as well. You should have told me your name. You should have talked to me and reached out to me. Instead of having to resolve the issue that YOU have found in me, it got me really confused. If there is something wrong, you should have confronted me. I can take it. At least, you're not as hostile as the one I've mentioned above.

We all have imperfections, and I guess, one of mine is being so talkative on Twitter. But do I clamor for attention? No. I really don't.

If you've read my post a couple of days ago, I've mentioned that I tried STARPing.. or RPing. Role Play. It's like having conversations with fictional characters. Most of the time, they only use regular tweets instead of mentions. That way, the followers and everybody will be able to see the conversation. If this is the crime.. then I apologize. I will try to avoid subtweeting and will tag the persons I'm talking with.

Yes, sometimes I act like someone I am not. Just because I have a RP character. Also, a lot of retweets and shoutouts are done in the RP world. At least, that's what I've observed.

I, personally, do not crave attention. But my Twitter character does.

"Iba ako sa totoong buhay. Iba ako pag nasa Twitter ako. Madaldal lang po ako kapag online. Halos hindi ako nagsasalita kapag sa personal. Madaldal kapag nasa Twitter, lalo na nung pumasok ako sa mundo ng RP at nagkaroon ng "virtual character".

I don't push people away. I don't. I just don't. Did I push you away? If I did, then I must have done it without really knowing about it. For that, I am sorry. The only problem here is that I don't know who you are. How can I make it up to you, if I don't know where to start? How can we patch things up and try to resolve things if I don't know who you are?

We all change. People change. I am enjoying Twitter. I am happy. But upon reading your messages, it got me so confused. And not knowing who you are, got me a bit paranoid. I don't know where you're coming from, and I don't know why you were able to say those things.

Is it too straining for you to give me a nudge and say "Hey, can we talk?"..

Letting Go and Moving On..

When my boyfriend and I broke up February of last year, I never wrote a thing about it. I didn't see the need. All I felt that time was anger. I was angry at him.. at the world.. at life. It was unfair. But I kept it all inside. For about a month, I continued living with a mask on my face, telling myself that I'm okay, convincing the people around me that I'm feeling great. Which was a total lie.

Being betrayed is very painful. It is one of the worst feeling there is.. Like a thousand knives, stabbing you at the back. To have your trust, broken by the very person you love.. it is something that can never be forgotten. But when I accepted the help of some good friends, I had finally closed the door. It was swift. It was easy. After accepting the fact that it really was over, I finally let go and moved on.

A good friend of mine wrote this 3 years ago. His story may be different from mine, but some of his words are the words I would have uttered as my heart bled that day.. 12 months ago.

The Tale of The Closed Door 

by Joseph Maynard Acallar

"10:28AM

04-11-09

What I knew all along has to be shoved in my guts so that I can accept them and when something is shoved inside your guts, it’s damn painful. But for the better, I guess.

I knew all along that what has been is just that, a thing of the past. And futility has always been with me in my efforts to bring it back. I have always been able to come out of anything with anger. I get angry, I stay away. But with you, I can never get angry – at least, angry to the point of throwing all those that we’ve had. You said that you’ll try to conquer the distance, and because I’m gullible when I’m dealing with you, I believed it. All I wanted was to feel that you’re giving your efforts as well. But I can’t. Like you care anyway. I sometimes believe that it was all orchestrated, and sooner or later, you will have to claim your academy awards trophy. But most of the time, I believe that everything was real, but real only for that short span of time.

We’ve talked about it. And you know me, and I believe that I understood you too. They think that everything they see is like the other things that they see. And we heard rumors. And we laughed about those because we knew what we had. .

‘What we had’.

Until now, I will never deny that those few months has etched its mark in my brain. Either I buy a new brain or kill myself, there and then will that mark be removed. When I’m happy, I remember those and I smile. When I’m sad and lonely, like what I’m currently feeling because of the residue from what we had that accumulated and clogged my judgment when it comes to other persons, I remember those things and I have to try and hold back the salty liquid.

I had fun. I thank you for that. What’s left are memories - which I have no use for anymore - and the strongest lessons that you’ve given me through our friendship. Lessons that made me realize what I’m actually capable of, and what my greatest weaknesses are. But the worst thing that this has left me is a great vulnerabilty. I find it hard to trust anymore. And I’m just about to ruin a great friendship because of this. Or I’m ruining it already. Because I’m afraid that this person will be like you too, sooner or later, well in fact, I know that, I’m sorry to say this, the person is a whole lot better than you. The person is different. And that is what I have been telling myself amidst the strong paranoia that I have been feeling lately.

My friend. I will have to close the door. It’s hard and once in a while, I will feel the urge to peek. But believe me, I will close it. I won’t let the storm come inside my dwelling again. This closing will mean nothing to you now, I know. But at least, it matters to me.

You said that it will be ‘until the bitter end’. This must be it. The bitter end that you’ve foreseen. I hate doing this, but I’m glad that once and for all, its over.

It’s easter sunday, and a new life awaits.

Take good care.

ALTASHHETH™

11:04AM

April 11, 2009"



I did have trouble trusting someone after what happened. I've developed this awful paranoia that all men are alike. But a few good men proved me wrong. To Ralph and Dylan... Thanks. ♥ Everyone is different, and I learned that I shouldn't judge all men, just because one hurt me.

To Robinson, I have closed the door but yes, I will always have its key. I may sneak a peek, sometimes. I may look back, once in a while. Never will I forget about you. You are part of my past, after all. But as it is over, that is where you will stay forever. Live a good life. - Leah

Guest Post: Expectations

Expectations

There are so many things people expect from other people. There are things that are expected out of family, friends and significant others. We expect certain things to be done for us, kind words to be said when we most need it and when people fail to do the things we expect out of them, we get mad and disappointed.

You know what's worst? When we expect a person do to something or say something yet we don't give hints to what we want them to do or say (or don't want them to do). People aren't mind readers after all, what kind of result do you think you're going to get? Not good ones, I assure you. So please stop frowning and moaning over what that or this person did to you, if you haven't even told them that those things really do hurt you.

If we stopped expecting things from people, we'd stop hurting so much. That gut wrenching feeling wouldn't hurt as much. If we didn't put high expectations to everything a person does, it wouldn't be a major disappointment when that person is no longer able to "please our expectations".

Well either way, William Shakespeare said it best: "Expectation is the root of all heartache."

It no longer hurts that badly if a friend or a significant other (not that I ever had a significant other - but this post isn't about my nonexistent love life) does something that I wouldn't approve of or disappoint me, because I no longer expect things out of them.

One could argue that that's not something good; we should always expect the best out of people. But the thing is, I don't expect the worst out people either. I'm...well I'm not sure what I am but the thing is, when we put our own expectations of others on the shelf, life is going to be so much better.

I'm just saying. If you stop always expecting things out of people, it wouldn't feel like life is always fucking you over with all these disappointments.

- Mona

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"When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have." - Stephen Hawking 

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” - Alexander Pope 

About the Blogger:

I'm Mona. Sixteen-years-old but it ain't sweet *snap* ;) I live in Norway and I'm willingly unemployed boyaaah! nah, I'm lying. Nobody wants to hire me. The way to my heart is through my stomach, I love food. And gingers and the Irish accent. I actually don't know what else there is to say so....*awkward pause* bye!

Blog: Conceal Your Thoughts
Twitter: @Munsay